So, last night I went on a date, probably my first date ever in the truest sense. All other boyfriends etc have been friends first and then it’s developed into something more so I don’t think I’ve ever actually been on a date with someone I don’t know.
And do you know what, it wasn’t so bad. Literally beforehand I felt so sick that it was the closest I’ve ever been to calling my ex and saying, I’m about to go on a date, I don’t want to, I thought I’d never have to do this, I just want you back. But in reality the guy I met was a perfect gentleman, we’d got chatting (on Tinder – so take hope there are some normal people on there!) and he’d suggested that we go to an indoor ski slope and I’d said that could be fun.
So we met after work yesterday (ironically on one of the nicest evenings so far this year) to hit the slopes. I’d worried about the initial meeting thing – I mean do you shake hands, kiss…ahh social nightmare! But it all was okay, hug and a kiss on the cheek and then we needed to go get changed, sort out boots etc. So there was a focus which took away from the nervousness and gave us something to do. We spent 2 hours on the slopes, this worked as well as we chatted at the top and the bottom but there was always a break, stopping it from feeling too intense – plus you could always point and laugh at some of the others on the slopes (sorry that’s my inner bitch coming out, but I’m sure people were laughing at us too). Afterwards we went for some food, this was a bit more difficult, it’s a lot more focussed sitting across the table from someone and sometimes there were a few gaps in the conversation.
He was a really nice guy, really genuine, a real gentleman in the opening doors, text me to let me know you got home okay kind of a way. He paid for everything, although I did offer but he said, “no, no, I asked you”. But sadly there just wasn’t a spark there. However, in the grand scheme of dating stories I’ve heard and been torturing myself with this was probably the best thing for the first one. End of the night, hug and thanks for a lovely evening. Will I see him again? I don’t think so, it’s kind of open and the offer’s there – I think the ball is in my court but it wouldn’t be right.
Afterwards I got home, and here’s my big confession… I bawled my eyes out. I miss what I thought I had with Mr D, I never wanted to have to date anyone else, there were some moments where I definitely wished it was Mr D sitting across the table from me. And I’m so ashamed to admit it to be honest, it’s been six months and I doubt he’s thinking much of me so why can’t I stop thinking of him?
I’m trying every trick in the book recommended to get over someone, I’ve been out and had embarassing crazy drunken nights (more on that soon…!) I’ve kept busy, eaten well, taken up other hobbies, exercised, tried not to talk about it too much, been out and made an effort to meet new people, spent time with friends, made plans for amazing trips/holidays this year.. what else can I do? How long is this going to take? I don’t think I ever really understood what heartbreak meant until this past year. But yes I am heartbroken, he really really hurt me. And despite all of that, I STILL miss him, but I wish I didn’t. I am lonely, surrounded by friends and I’m supposed to be strong, professional, independent, but inside it just hurts. I went to a concert this week and the orchestra were playing a particular piece, one of many that reminds me of Mr D and to be honest I was pretty close to having to get up to leave. How long before I can enjoy pieces of music again? Until I don’t have to turn off the radio for certain songs. I hate him for that, I hate that he’s taken that from me as well.
And I feel like an insane crazy person, I never thought I’d be this girl, I think here’s about the only place I can admit it to be honest.
So, a dilemma really… last night was always going to be hard – I needed to get back on the horse, but it also confirmed that I’m not at all over my ex, so do I keep dating, is that fair to other people, but then what are the expectations of first dates? Or do I still need to give it time? How much time? What else is there that I can do to get over this?
Thanks for reading…Miss LIL x