DATING: It feels like I was cheating (even though I’m not!)

So, the last couple of days have been a bit of a set-back really, or maybe it’s something that I just need to get through… I went to see a friend last night and we were talking about everything and I was explaining how upset I’ve been for the last couple of days and she’s someone who has been through something similar. And she said, you feel guilty… and you shouldn’t. You know what? She really hit the nail on the head with that one. I feel like I’ve done something wrong. When I was with Mr D I never looked at another guy, I don’t believe the people who say you don’t notice. I would see guys in the street and think that yeah they’re quite attractive, but my relationship was based on the whole thing, I was attracted to him physically, but mentally he challenged me as well. We would argue and debate and when we first met I feel like we pushed each other to be better versions of ourselves, perhaps less so in hindsight towards the end. It’s not that I’m not a whole person without him; I don’t need someone to “complete” me. I’m successful, confident, independent, I don’t think I’m unattractive (reckon I can make an 8 on a good day/well-made up!). However I never thought I’d be sitting across the table, dining and flirting with another guy and it feels like I was cheating. I think cheating and lying is kind of the worst thing you can do to someone, that total betrayal of trust and so it’s something I’d never do, I guess what I’m going through now is part of the habit that I need to break! Also the rejection that I went through is hard to get over, I need to remind myself I am worth the effort of getting to know. In my day job I meet lots of people casually and I can seem relatively confident, but in terms of friendships I think I take a little longer to get to know people, so I can seem maybe cold and a bit aloof – it’s not intentional (it’s more that past the pleasantry’s I’m a little shy!) it’s something I’m trying to work on but I think that sometimes people can get the wrong idea.

I subscribe to that idea that there’s not just one person for everyone, people make choices in their lives and they could meet any number of different people. So there is someone out there for me and in the meantime I’m going to continue living life to the full so that when I do meet them I’m exciting and interesting. I’m counting down the days now to my solo trip to Venice, I’ve been working on a degree part-time (self-funded) through The Open University and I finally finish this summer, so my present to myself is this trip. It’s going to be the first time that I’ve really gone somewhere alone and spent the trip alone. I’m hoping for lazy days in Italian cafes – basically having my own mini eat/pray/love moment or at least lots of the eating part!

Following that I’m going to be joining a friend on a yacht hopefully to sail from Cork to Northern Spain and then two weeks in France at the end of the summer so there’s plenty to look forward to! I also need to brush up on my language skills since that’s three countries in the next 6 months…And if anyone has recommendations for Venice – give me a shout!

Ciao for now!

Miss LIL x

DATING: Date one… the aftermath (how to turn someone down…nicely!)

So, the last couple of days have been pretty hard. Having been on a date seemed to drag me back to where I was six months ago and I’ve been pretty teary-eyed. Work on Friday was a bit of a fail, I couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t stop crying (thank god I have my own office now) and then I basically forced some food down and went to bed early.

I feel truly pathetic for behaving like this, I’m not a regular crier, I don’t cry in public and I’m not the sort of person who loses control in public (too much of a control freak) but I guess this is all part of it.

The last couple of days have also been hard in terms of desperately not trying to contact my ex to either scream or cry down the phone that I miss him and want him back… even though the rational side of my brain knows that he behaved like an absolute dick and I don’t think I’d really want that back!

Anyway so I spent the weekend decorating my flat, I’ve lived there a year now but haven’t really made much of an effort to unpack, I’ve painted walls been out bought a sofa and dining chairs and made it much more homely and somewhere I’d actually want to spend time. (I’ve also bitten the bullet and got Sky so now I don’t need to date or even leave the house…. I can just become a recluse and you’ll find me 20 years from now rotting in a corner….) No seriously I’ve made an effort to make a commitment to staying and settling in Liverpool for at least another year, even though my heart would really like to be back in Manchester.

However, what this blog was really about is the aftermath of Thursday’s date with Ski boy. There wasn’t a kiss at the end of the night, I had a fun time and it was nice to meet him (and to be honest he was so so lovely I really wish that I felt the spark) but I thought that that was it… until the text yesterday asking when he could see me again….I definitely wasn’t expecting to hear from him again and I wasn’t obsessively checking my phone either….

So those of you’ve who’ve been following will gather that I’ve never really done the dating thing… at the grand old age of 28 this whole thing is new to me. So I fired off panicked emails to all of my friends with the SOS in of what do I say??! It was such a nice thoughtful text that I didn’t want to just ignore him – that has always seemed wrong to me. We are all adults here and the last thing I’d want to do is lead someone on. However, coming out of the other side of a massive rejection (and I know this isn’t the same level at all) I would never want to inflict that on anyone either.

So having consulted many of my dating guru friends decided to send a friendly message to say that I’d had a lovely time, it was great to meet him. Sadly the spark wasn’t there but I’d be happy to meet again as friends…. And then braced myself….

I think because of my recent online experience with getting such an aggressive message back from the blow off I was also nervous about being honest.

I needn’t have worried, he replied later on (confirming everything I’d thought about him being a nice guy) to say thanks for the message and that he appreciated my honesty and that if I ever wanted to grab a drink or snowboarding lesson as friends that that would be cool.

Crisis averted, but the plus points to come out of this are that it proves there are nice, genuine guys looking for dates (yes even on that much ridiculed Tinder!!) and that honesty from the start is definitely the way forward, so I think I’ve gained a friend and all’s well that ends well.

So I’m back out there looking, I might take some weeks off as I still feel much more emotional about the whole thing than I expected but I’m back on the horse!

Thanks for reading

Miss LIL xx

DATING: Lost my online dating virginity last night – Date 1

So, last night I went on a date, probably my first date ever in the truest sense. All other boyfriends etc have been friends first and then it’s developed into something more so I don’t think I’ve ever actually been on a date with someone I don’t know.

And do you know what, it wasn’t so bad. Literally beforehand I felt so sick that it was the closest I’ve ever been to calling my ex and saying, I’m about to go on a date, I don’t want to, I thought I’d never have to do this, I just want you back. But in reality the guy I met was a perfect gentleman, we’d got chatting (on Tinder – so take hope there are some normal people on there!) and he’d suggested that we go to an indoor ski slope and I’d said that could be fun.

So we met after work yesterday (ironically on one of the nicest evenings so far this year) to hit the slopes. I’d worried about the initial meeting thing – I mean do you shake hands, kiss…ahh social nightmare! But it all was okay, hug and a kiss on the cheek and then we needed to go get changed, sort out boots etc. So there was a focus which took away from the nervousness and gave us something to do. We spent 2 hours on the slopes, this worked as well as we chatted at the top and the bottom but there was always a break, stopping it from feeling too intense – plus you could always point and laugh at some of the others on the slopes (sorry that’s my inner bitch coming out, but I’m sure people were laughing at us too). Afterwards we went for some food, this was a bit more difficult, it’s a lot more focussed sitting across the table from someone and sometimes there were a few gaps in the conversation.

He was a really nice guy, really genuine, a real gentleman in the opening doors, text me to let me know you got home okay kind of a way. He paid for everything, although I did offer but he said, “no, no, I asked you”. But sadly there just wasn’t a spark there. However, in the grand scheme of dating stories I’ve heard and been torturing myself with this was probably the best thing for the first one. End of the night, hug and thanks for a lovely evening. Will I see him again? I don’t think so, it’s kind of open and the offer’s there – I think the ball is in my court but it wouldn’t be right.

Afterwards I got home, and here’s my big confession… I bawled my eyes out. I miss what I thought I had with Mr D, I never wanted to have to date anyone else, there were some moments where I definitely wished it was Mr D sitting across the table from me. And I’m so ashamed to admit it to be honest, it’s been six months and I doubt he’s thinking much of me so why can’t I stop thinking of him?

I’m trying every trick in the book recommended to get over someone, I’ve been out and had embarassing crazy drunken nights (more on that soon…!) I’ve kept busy, eaten well, taken up other hobbies, exercised, tried not to talk about it too much, been out and made an effort to meet new people, spent time with friends, made plans for amazing trips/holidays this year.. what else can I do? How long is this going to take? I don’t think I ever really understood what heartbreak meant until this past year. But yes I am heartbroken, he really really hurt me. And despite all of that, I STILL miss him, but I wish I didn’t. I am lonely, surrounded by friends and I’m supposed to be strong, professional, independent, but inside it just hurts. I went to a concert this week and the orchestra were playing a particular piece, one of many that reminds me of Mr D and to be honest I was pretty close to having to get up to leave. How long before I can enjoy pieces of music again? Until I don’t have to turn off the radio for certain songs. I hate him for that, I hate that he’s taken that from me as well.

And I feel like an insane crazy person, I never thought I’d be this girl, I think here’s about the only place I can admit it to be honest.

So, a dilemma really… last night was always going to be hard – I needed to get back on the horse, but it also confirmed that I’m not at all over my ex, so do I keep dating, is that fair to other people, but then what are the expectations of first dates? Or do I still need to give it time? How much time? What else is there that I can do to get over this?

Thanks for reading…Miss LIL x

DATING: I’m going to need to grow a thicker skin!

So, as those of you who’ve been following know I’m dipping my toe into the (very scary) world of online dating! Well I have to say that if it’s going to go on like this I’m going to need to grow a thicker skin. I’ve been called a b*tch twice this week already and I’ve not even met anyone yet following my failed tinder cancellation!

I’m finding it strange as to be honest I’m not one of those deliberately instantly confrontation people. I work sometimes in a front facing customer environment so believe me I’m used to being called all kinds of things. However, in my personal life, sure I fall out with those who are close to me and I argue with them, but for anyone else I’m just not that person. I was asked once in an interview what my worst enemy would say about me and I had to answer, I’m just not sure I inspire that level of hatred in people to be honest! I think if people don’t like me they just don’t think about me at all…and to be honest I’m fine with that.

This week started with crazy tinder Alan, he’s a guy I’ve been having a conversation with for a bit and to be honest the conversation was getting pretty dull, wasn’t going anywhere and was sort of petering out. He sent me a message on Tuesday and I glanced at it quickly but it had loads of questions in and then I was at work and busy and didn’t respond, so he sent another one…alright then…. and then another one…I see how it is…. and then followed up by calling me an effing b*tch because I hadn’t replied when actually all of the time I’d been at work. So needless to say he’s been blocked and deleted.

Then today on OKCupid I had a message from a guy and to be honest when I guy takes some time to craft a message based on information from your profile I do think it’s a little rude not to respond. So I read it and took a look at his profile which was all about his two sons (10, 8) and his divorce (VERY prominently written). And I’m not really looking for baggage right now, I’m not saying never but I’d like to ultimately meet someone who yes I could have kids with but with whom it would be a first for both of us which we could share. I mean let’s not beat about the bush here we’re both on a dating site so seriously. So I wrote a message back saying thanks for his, I’d had a look at his profile, and he seems like a nice guy, but I don’t think that I am what he is looking for… I mean I made it about me and I thought I’d be straight up from the start, what’s the point in the doing the hey how are you when his aims and mine are clearly different. To which I got a really offensive (too much to right on here) rant straight back at me! Clearly I was right to nip it in the bud, it was apparent why he was divorced and I wondered if maybe I should be calling social services worried about his sons and this guys’ obvious anger management issues!

I mean what is it about online that means that people could say stuff like that, this guy may well be so crazy that he’d say it to me in real life as well. But one thing this week has definitely done is made me realise if I’m going to continue down this route I’m seriously going to need to grow a thicker skin… oops I’ve had another OKCupid message so better go… but my dating escapades to be continued!

Thanks for reading

Miss LIL xxx

DATING: The Tinder brush-off

So those of you who’ve been following will be aware that today was supposed to be D-day – the first blind date, my first ever Tinder meeting. I was kind of looking forward to it, the guy seemed nice by messages and I figured we had enough in common to pass a pleasant morning and it wouldn’t be anything as he’s here on tour so will be leaving in a couple of weeks so that took some of the pressure off as well…

I was cautiously excited, until I got a message close to midnight last night with the oh-so-casual brush off. Sorry I’ve got a rehearsal, I can’t make it, sorry that it’s short notice but let me know that you’ve got this message x Maybe that’s the problem with musicians, I mean I know that it can be a problem but it was definitely the brush-off… and so I’m back to square one… oh and also I’ve completed Tinder “there’s no-one new around you…”

I’ve read some articles in the past that it’s part of the problem with the easier social media type sites, people forget that there’s a real person with real feelings on the other end and that makes the brush-off all the more easy. I mean in real life unless someone had been really offensive/rude you probably wouldn’t just get up and leave, you’d at least say “bye” but it’s a whole different ball-game online.

So I need to find a new site (and it won’t be OK Cupid!) I’m toying with the idea of paid ones on the grounds that at least everyone on there is a little more committed to the cause, but I’m not sure if that’s the case? Anyone got any experience of this? Are the paid ones better? Let me know!

Miss LIL xxx

LIFE: Putting myself back out there – Meetup and Tinder

So, I mentioned that I’d joined a meetup group and last Saturday I went along, dragging my long-suffering London friend Miss L along as well. We headed for a bar in Liverpool which was a band night to meet a bunch of people who I’d never met before.

All went well and as people communicate through the app and the meetup coordinator tends to describe what they are wearing we were able to pretty quickly spot the group. I wasn’t the only person there for the first time and not everyone knew everyone else so it was good because there was a real feeling of openness towards meeting new people. To be honest the conditions weren’t the best for getting to talk once the bands got going…perhaps I’m just getting old but definitely found myself struggling to hear and/or shouting in other people’s ears. However they seemed like a friendly bunch. I’m okay at meeting peole (it’s what I do all day long at work) but I struggle to form more meaningful relationships and I also have a tendency to be a bit of a wallflower at these types of things. Perhaps it’s because I’m so used to being part of a couple that it’s been a long time since I’ve had to attend social events alone. Anyway whatever the reason I need to get better and so I’m throwing myself into this. The other good thing about it was it didn’t feel like a singles event or anything like that, it definitely felt like meeting new friends of both sexes. To be honest I’m just desperate to meet people I don’t work with, i.e. girls I could head to the cinema with and talk about something other than work!

I was due to go to a couple of others but sadly for various reasons (work-related for one and my mother ending up in a and e for the second) it hasn’t been possible but I hope to head to another one soon.

In other news I am back on dating app Tinder and actively swiping (so much so that I’m a little scared I’m going to end up with repetitve strain injury in my thumb…!) It’s been good, I’m not taking it too seriously, I’m not sweating the little things, I’m starting conversations, having a little flirt and seeing how it goes. I have my first ever date tomorrow (so obviously I’m cr*pping myself!) but he seems nice so we’ll see how it goes. I’m just hoping to get through my first online-date-meeting in one piece without tripping over – to be honest everything above and beyond that is a bonus. Anyway I’ll let you know how that goes – wish me luck!

Miss LIL xxx

DATING: 8 Tinder profiles to make you run for the hills

So I’m back on the “dating” app Tinder (it’s in inverted commas because I’m still not convinced if there are any genuine guys on there or if everyone is simply looking for a quick, easy hook-up!) and giving it a proper go and whilst I have my own hit list of things to avoid, from discussions with friends these are the top pictures we agreed we would definitely not be swiping right for. I’m sure there’s plenty more, but this should give you a bit of a start…

Let me know which ones you avoid (or indeed the things guaranteed to get you to swipe right!)

Thanks for reading.

Miss LIL x

1. Any profiles in which the man in question appears to be the groom
2. Following number one, any photos with a visible wedding ring
3. Any which show headless torsos
4. Any with selfies taken on the toilet…. enough said!
5. The profiles where you can’t tell which one he is
6. Any containing images of his penis, or him with his hand down his pants holding it
7. Profiles where the information starts along the lines of “I’m hung like a squirrel” (or any other animal for that matter)
8. Any which say I’m in an open relationship (unless of course that’s your thing) but nine times out of ten this equals I’m looking to cheat on my partner/wife

OK Cupid Update – 48 hours in total

So some of you might be wondering how I got on on OK Cupid and to be honest I have a pretty big confession to make. I managed a grand total of 48 hours on OK Cupid before I disabled my account.

It was part of my New Year’s resolution, and I haven’t given up and I think I may well go back to it but I simply couldn’t handle it right there and then, it was definitely too soon for anything. I got frustrated by the number of inane comments that I was getting and didn’t have the inclination or the patience to actually have to go through them all.

I have a very good friend who is pretty aggressively dating via OK Cupid and actually she’s met a couple of really nice guys on there so I’m not saying it doesn’t work, like anything you just need to seriously commit some time to it and it’s only been nearly three months I’m just not in the right place to do that. I need to (to use that awful phrase!) “work on myself” right now. Plus I’ve just started a new job and they haven’t yet recruited to replace my old job yet so work is taking up too much of my time (yes I know, I know to have a better work life balance was one of my plans for this year…!)

I think I might go back to it but just not yet. I also read something recently which definitely made me think, there’s the traditional theory that when you stop looking and stop stressing about meeting people it will just happen. And that’s all well and good, but when all you do is eat, go to work, hang out in the same places and sleep then realistically when, where will you meet someone? I do believe that you have to get out there, take yourself out of your comfort zone and take life as it comes. So I’ll be giving myself a little longer to grieve, I’ll be spending that spare time in the gym (perhaps I’ll meet someone there?) and keeping my fingers crossed that my snowboarding instructor next week is hot (knowing my luck they’ll probs be female but hey ho) and then when I come back from my holiday I’ll see how I feel and start to take it a bit more seriously…

Thanks as always

Miss LIL xx

Dating: Less than 24hrs on OKCupid…

So as some of you know I’m tentatively testing out the big scary world of online dating. I’ve been on OkCupid for probably less than 24 hours and I already feel exhausted by the whole thing! I started off all optimistic… there are plenty of guys out there, it’s a big pond, plenty more fish and initially it seemed like there were lots of guys. Great I thought as I enthusiastically answered the questions and added images of myself skiing and snowboarding in an attempt to demonstrate my properly well-rounded (not in the physical sense) self.

But I’ve had so many generic messages from people that it’s blatantly apparent that I have nothing in common with, so much so I literally can’t see the wood for the trees! I was brought up to not be rude, but it’s so clear that these guys are just messaging everyone that there’s no way on earth I’m going to respond and that’s without mentioning the “gentleman” *cough* who was looking for someone to dominate him (and then some…).

I’ve also had to google the word “whooty” not being familiar with it, one particular opening question “hey are you a whooty?”. Which with the power given to me by the Urban Dictionary I can tell you is a “a white girl who has a pretty face, a nice slim waist, and a voluptuously large, bountiful, beautiful booty”. Apologies to those who already knew the meaning but glad we got that one cleared up and no I’m not going to move forward referring to myself as a whooty.

How on earth do you pick through all of this? Do the nasty, offensive chat up lines really work sometimes for some people? Seriously?

The advice from my welcome message from OC was that I should make the first move, which is a little scary but maybe that is the way forward, I need to be properly proactive and get some conversations going with people who don’t look like serial killers.

I’m going to try and maintain some of my previous optimism, it’s early days, surely there’s someone out there like me…there’s just too many frogs croaking in the way right now.

Keep your fingers crossed for me still!

Miss LIL xxx

Dating: So I’ve bitten the bullet and joined OkCupid

Newly single and with a new year looming I’m starting to think about meeting some new people. I definitely don’t want anything serious, it feels too soon, but I’m ready to dip my toe in the water, pull out the LBD and flirt a little.

So, having done a bit of research, and if I’m honest not feeling ready enough to commit to paying money I’ve been a signed up member of OkCupid for around 35 minutes now…and I’m terrified!

I had a browse and clicked on a photo, which then means that the other person – let’s call him Mr Hockey could see that I had viewed him. I had a look around and updated my profile, although I still don’t know what to write on those things! A couple of minutes later I get a message from Mr Hockey who has viewed my profile and says,

Hey, how are you?

Not the most inspirational of messages but since I’m struggling with writer’s block on my own profile I decide to let it go…

good, thanks how are you?

yer good tanks wot you up 2? xx

and there it ends. Sorry Mr Hockey, I’m sure you’re a nice guy, you’re not bad looking and playing hockey myself we might even have had something in common. However, there are few things that I despise more than text speak – it was acceptable in the year 2000 when you were genuinely limited by the number of characters available and the cost of sending text messages, but there’s no excuse for it in 2014. It just smacks of laziness really, call me snobby or judgemental but there you go. So I haven’t replied, it feels rude but I’d rather not continue so I’ll leave it there. On joining OkCupid the number of people who have viewed my profile (and I’ve had a couple of messages from other people who I don’t have any interest in) feels a little bit like I’m suddenly new blood, fresh meat!

But there you have it, I’ve answered some of OkCupid’s inane questions, I’ve uploaded some photos and I’m a fully fledged profile on there. Let’s see what happens – I’ll keep you posted!

Miss LIL xxx